Where do I even begin? I’m sorry that I haven’t updated in a long time but I think I have a pretty valid excuse. Where do I even begin…
Last I updated I was in my final semester of school, planning my wedding, and prepping for NCLEX and finding a job. Things definitely have changed. Lets start with school…
I graduated! On May 7th I somehow managed to walk across the stage without falling and got my diploma and never looked back. Pinning and graduation were such emotional days for me. I worked so hard to make it to that point. I cried so many tears getting there, questioned if I was even meant to be a nurse, and gave up my entire social life to put on that cap and gown and walk across the stage. I worked my ass off and it was so worth it. I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for in college and even though it took me a little longer than planned I did it.
Next came finding a job..
I had interviewed with so many places and submitted so many applications but had no job offer. I was really worried because almost all of my class had secured jobs. I wanted to be one of those girls. Finally I got a call from the Women’s Health floor at the hospital I work at. I interviewed with the manager the next day, a few days later I shadowed a nurse on the floor, and a day after that I got a phone call with a job offer! Finally! I love the floor and the staff and was so excited to finally have a plan for after state boards.
Next came NCLEX..
As soon as I graduated I got to studying. We had prep classes we had to go to, I took more practice questions that I ever thought possible, and read more than I probably ever did all throughout school. On June 22nd I sat for the scariest test I ever took. I had no confidence going in. I took the exam at the same time as my friend Sarah and to say we were freaking out was an understatement. I walked in, put on my noise canceling headphones, and started clicking. 75 questions later the computer shut off and I wanted to cry. I went out for drinks with Sarah and began the longest 48 hour wait of my life. Thank god CT allows for quick results for the NCLEX because I don’t think I would have made it if I had to wait 4 weeks. June 24th rolls around and I open up the Pearson Vue website. Freaking out the entire time I log into my account and pay for the quick results. The page pops up and … I PASSED!!! I was so emotional that I bawled my eyes out. It wasn’t hitting me that I was actually a registered nurse. All of my hard work paid off and I had RN at the end of my name. Little did I know that my happiness and excitement would all come to an end a few hours later..
Tyler and I had been having problems for a little while. We were trying to work things out, I was trying to stay positive, I was willing to do whatever it took because I love him. Tyler came home from work on June 24th and everything came crashing down. We had been fighting for a solid week and it all came to a halt. I was no longer happy about passing…I was crying in sadness. I knew the way that he avoided eye contact with me meant only one thing. He told me he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me and that he was more confused about everything than he ever had been. The love of my life, my fiancée, my best friend, the guy who I had spent almost 7 years with didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. I lost it..I left for my moms house and told him to figure things out. I wanted to die. What should have been the happiest day of my life to date, the day I should remember forever will now be a day that I dread. We went on a break where he promised me that he would try. We were going to try and get back to where we started and find the love again. To be completely honest I never lost the love..I would have done anything for him or to save us. I seriously believe that he’s my soul mate. He didn’t feel the same way. We officially broke up and called off the wedding in early July. I was beyond heartbroken, I was beyond hurt. I didn’t understand, I still don’t.
What should have been the best year of my life turned into the worst. Sure, I started my nursing career and have the support of my family and friends but it’s not the same. I watched what should have been my wedding day come and go. I look at my dress on a daily basis because it’s hanging on the back of my door in a room that I don’t share with anyone. We’re trying to be friends but it’s beyond difficult. I don’t want to lose him completely, I won’t let that happen. I know that we’re not together and I’ve accepted that but I still love him and I always will. He was the first love of my life, quite possibly my one great love. I’m getting better everyday but it’s still hard every single day.
I’ve started talking to an old friend who I have a past with. I’m not going to go into details but I’m hoping things pick up where we left them. I’m not looking for a relationship..I want to have fun and be single and enjoy my 20s. For 7 years I was with Tyler and they were the best 7 years but now it’s time for me to do stuff for me. I’m going to enjoy my life and whatever happens, happens. I went through my sadness and now I’m turning the corner and starting a new chapter. I will forever consider Tyler my best friend and if something happens in the future so be it but for right now I’m going to focus on me, my career, and having fun.
Well, that about sums it up. Pretty good excuse for not posting right? Now that I have my own computer and more free time since school and NCLEX are over..I promise to post more often. I know I’ve said that time and time again but this time is for real. I’m big into planning now so I’m going to plan at least 1 day a week to fit in posting. What I’m going to write about I’m not too sure about but it’ll be an interesting ride. Maybe work stuff, planning stuff, juicy details of my dating experiences (no names obviously..). Who knows. All I know is I’m happy to be back and I hope this is as therapeutic for someone else as it is for me.
Until next time..