The Moving On Process — August 12, 2017

The Moving On Process

I tend to talk about my love life a lot on here. It’s therapeutic for me to get what’s running through my head out somewhere for me to reflect on but not obsess over. What has been on my mind lately has been moving on. Let me explain.

I went out on a date on August 4th with a guy I had been talking to for a little bit on POF. We hit it off instantly, both through text and in person. The date went as great as a first date can go and I couldn’t wait to talk to him again. We’ve been talking ever since and I’ve seen him 3 times in a week. He’s so funny, so intelligent, so thoughtful and caring. We have a ton in common and he keeps me on my toes. He’s seemingly perfect for me.

I woke up this morning thinking that I’m really starting to like him. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t know what’s going through his head but that’s another story. I started thinking about how I have been so hung up on relationships and everything but never getting anywhere with them. For the first time I can see it happening. For the first time I actually have thought about completely moving on from Tyler. I’ve started referring to this as “the moving on process”.

Like I said, I’m not really sure how this guy is feeling so this thought process could all be one sided but it’s refreshing to have this thought at all. I never thought I would get there. I figured I’d always be hung up on Tyler forever. Don’t get me wrong he’s always going to hold a special place in my heart but if something were to happen with this guy I wouldn’t have any question in my mind about it. Has this happened to anyone before? Is it weird that it’s taken me over a year and a decent amount of dates for this to happen? I really feel like it’s a huge moment in my life as odd as that sounds.

Let me know your thoughts or share your stories if it’s happened to you!

Am I the Crazy One? — June 11, 2017

Am I the Crazy One?

I’ll admit it, I have some crazy to me. I always thought that I’ve had it pretty under control though. I don’t freak out if someone doesn’t text me back (although I do find myself checking my phone a lot to see if they have). I don’t need to constantly be with my friends or a guy, I’m more than content being alone most of the time. I can keep listing things but that’s not the purpose of this post. Let me start from the beginning.

I started talking to this guy from OKCupid a few weeks ago. We’ve been talking basically every day and are really hitting it off in my opinion. We have a ton in common, he makes me laugh, and I feel completely comfortable telling him just about anything which is nuts since I haven’t even met him yet. We had planned to meet on Memorial Day since we were both off. That ended up not happening. I was sad I’ll admit. I got my hopes up and was excited to meet him and hang out and then in the blink of an eye it wasn’t happening. Then I went away on vacation (more posts on that to come!) and even though I was gone I still found myself thinking about meeting him and we talked every day even if it was for a few minutes. We made a plan to meet this coming Sunday and I started getting really excited again. The whole rest of the trip I was thinking about meeting him and what we would do and how I hoped we would hit it off as much as we have through text. I flew home last night and he told me that his grandfather wasn’t doing too well and his family had left the state and he was the only one there to take care of him. Now I’m not someone to jump to conclusions and think someone is making stuff up, especially when something is of this proportion. You don’t just lie about these things, right? We’ve been talking very little yesterday and today and I can only imagine it’s because of everything going on. This is where I start to think I’m more crazy than I thought I was…

Most of the day today I’ve been thinking about how we haven’t been talking as much as we have been and wondering if it was because of me. Did he not want to meet me anymore? Is he not interested? Did I do something to make him not want to talk? Is there something wrong with me? I’ve had countless thoughts like this running through my head most of the day. Am I crazy? Have I become the crazy girls that overanalyze everything and think that everything is wrong with them? I really hope not.

I’m extremely sympathetic to his situation right now with his grandfather and I feel terrible. I’ve offered to do anything if he needs it or be someone to listen if he needs to vent. As sympathetic as I am, however, I still want to know what’s going on for our date on Sunday. I don’t want to get my hopes up again and have it come crashing down again. Maybe I think I could like him and don’t want to get hurt like I have in the past. Maybe I really do think something is wrong with me or that he isn’t interested.

I guess I’m writing about this for some opinions. Am I really more crazy than I thought? I don’t want him to think I expect him to drop everything for this date but I also know that if he really is the only one taking care of his grandfather that he needs some time away and to not think about it for a few hours. I don’t know. Just a random ramble.

What Would You Do? — May 8, 2017

What Would You Do?

Even though everything is said and done from what I’m about to tell you, I wanted to write about it and see what other people would do if they were in my shoes. What happened this weekend isn’t anything overly exciting or troubling. It’s more so that I keep thinking about if what I did was the right thing to do given the situation. Let me explain..

I’ve mentioned it time and time again that I want to stay friends with my ex, Tyler. Part of me will always love him and part of me hopes that someday we figure it out and get back together. I know, I know he’s my ex for a reason but I really believe that what we have is something special and it just wasn’t our time and that’s why we broke up. Maybe delusional and I’m not putting all my eggs in that basket. I am going out on dates (or trying to) and I am putting myself back out there with a completely open heart and mind for whatever happens happening. Anyways, back to what happened this weekend. I was out with Megan at a bar in WeHa (the same one where my terrible OKC “date” occurred). We were just there to have a drink and people watch. I wasn’t overly impressed with the guy selection there that night (it was a lot of older people for some reason). I get a text from Tyler saying that he needs me to pick him up. Now I’ve known Tyler for over 7 years and I have never seen him drunk. Not to say he doesn’t drink but he doesn’t go that hard so having him text me saying he needs a ride is a pretty big deal. I figured he’d be around the area and I’d be able to swing by quick and pick him up…wrong! He said he was in Hamden and gave me the address of the party he was at. Hamden is 40 minutes away from where we were and an hour away from home. I didn’t think twice about leaving to get him. We left the bar and started the journey to Hamden.

We got to the house where the party was and I started calling and calling with no answer. I was parked right across from his car and decided to look in the window. There was drunky sleeping in his back seat. He gets up and gets out of the car and starts puking. I hold him up while he up chucks and finally get him into the car. I drive him all the way home and get him into bed. He starts crying but says he doesn’t know why. This makes me cry. I kiss his forehead and leave for the night. Less than 12 hours later I’m back at his house with powerade and aspirin. I drive him back down to Hamden to get his car and then follow him back to his house to make sure he got back okay. I did all of this without second guessing what I was doing, until now.

Did I do the right thing? Megan said normal people wouldn’t do that for their ex. The thing with Tyler is he isn’t just my ex, he’s still one of my best friends. Is it weird to still have that kind of relationship with my ex? Should I have said sorry I can’t get you? My heart is telling me one thing and my mind is thinking another. So my question to all of you…what would you have done?

Moving On — April 25, 2017

Moving On

I know I talk a lot about my relationship and break up with Tyler. I’m sorry if it’s not something that the few followers I have want to read but it’s a huge part of my life and, quite frankly, I use this blog as more of a diary than something that I expect anyone to gain something from (no offense and if I am helping you I am so beyond happy to be of service). If relationship stuff isn’t something you want to read about, you can go ahead and skip this post from me. Trust me I won’t be offended. Those of you that are choosing to stick around, I hope you can relate to me with this one. Here we go.

I’ve talked about how I’ve been on Tinder and now OkCupid which are both apps on your phone for online dating. Both are the same concept, you swipe left if you don’t like the person and right if you do. The difference is with OkCupid you can message the person before you match. I’ve been using this app more recently and like it a lot more. I find there to be less creepy guys looking for a quick hook up (sorry for anyone whose found someone on tinder). Anyways, recently there have been more guys who are messaging me first and aren’t creepy or weird or have something that is off putting for me. I’ve found myself holding longer conversations, exchanging snapchats, and asking if they want to text instead of just talking on the app. This is something I wasn’t really expecting. I find myself checking my phone more frequently to see if the one guy I’ve been talking to texted me back, I get excited when I get a snap from him, and I have no trouble holding a conversation with him. I’m slowly starting to get happy again.

Does this new found happiness mean that I’m finally moving on from Tyler? Is it wrong for me to be excited about meeting this guy? I hope your answer is no, because that’s what mine is. I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks and I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing wrong with moving on. It’s normal, it’s natural. Is it scary? Absolutely. It’s terrifying to think that I might be happy, and maybe even happier, with someone other than Tyler. As terrifying as it is though it’s okay to take the leap of faith. It’s healthy.

So this Friday I’m taking the leap and going out on a date with my OkCupid guy. I’m excited and nervous and terrified and anxious all at the same time but I know it’s for the best. We’re planning on dinner and drinks right now and we’ll see where it goes. I don’t want to jump the gun but I think I could like this guy. Part of me wants to like him. I want to know that I’m capable of liking someone again and having them like me back. It might sound selfish but I need the ego boost. We’ll see how things go on Friday.

Don’t be afraid to move on. Every step forward is one step closer to being happy again. No matter what you might think, you deserve to be happy. Get out there and take that leap, you never know what you might fall into.

Some Things No One Tells You.. — January 30, 2017

Some Things No One Tells You..

There’s many things that people tell you when you’re going through a break up. “It’s going to be fine”, “you’re better off”, “It gets easier as time goes on”. The list goes on and on, and a lot of it is true. What about the things that people don’t tell you though? Over the past 6 months I’ve been discovering things about my break up with Tyler that no one ever prepared me for. Here are some of the many things that no one told me about breakups.

  1. It may get easier but it’s still hard. This might be because I’m persistent on staying friends with Tyler. Like I’ve said many times before, he’s my best friend and has shared so much with me that to have him completely out of my life isn’t something I can imagine. Although it has gotten easier there are still days where it hurts, a ton.
  2. You’ll never forget the memories, the good or the bad. Obviously the good memories are something to look back on and be happy that you shared. The bad memories, however, can haunt you. No matter how hard I try I’ll never forget the conversation that Tyler and I had when we were officially ending things. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I left. I’ll never forget the car ride to my mom’s house and I was leaving everything I’d known behind. It takes a lot to not let these memories consume you. You need to remember that everything happened for a reason.
  3. The tiniest things can trigger a spiral of emotions. Two songs are the big culprit of this for me…”Middle of a Memory” by Cole Swindell and “Don’t Let Me Down” by Chainsmokers. The Cole Swindell song always reminds me of the feeling of being abandoned while I was supposed to be living the happiest time of my life. We were getting married in a few months, I had just graduated nursing school and passed the NCLEX. In the middle of those memories I was left and nothing will change that or make it an easier pill to swallow. The Chainsmokers song was constantly on when everything was going down. I feel like I was let down by the person who was supposed to be my person. Eating at the place where he proposed triggers me wanting to burst into tears because of how everything changed. There’s many more that I don’t even want to think of right now.
  4. You’ll still cry. There’s nothing wrong with it. It feels weird to cry around people when its been so long after the break up but believe me you’re not crazy for still crying, and don’t be ashamed to cry around people. There is no point in keeping it all to yourself. Your support people will still be there, trust me.
  5. Going out will feel weird. Whether it’s a date or out with your friends it’ll feel weird. You spent X amount of years going out with that one person. It’s difficult at first but you need to get back out there and start enjoying yourself. Take a deep breath and leap.

Those are just some of the numerous things that no one told me after my breakup. If you’re feeling these things, or anything, just remember that you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. Everyone grieves differently. Be strong and talk to people!

60 to 0 in 3.5 — January 6, 2017

60 to 0 in 3.5

We all know the saying 0 to 60 in 3.5, and if you don’t to break it down it means that something is happening extremely fast like a car going from 0 mph to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds. Well what happens when it’s the complete opposite? It sucks, that’s what happens. I’m jumping ahead so let me rewind and fill you in.

Remember the guy I had recently been talking to, Pat? Yeah him. Things had been going great. We talked every day, got along great, were damn near perfect in the physical aspect of the relationship. I was really falling for him and I was genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like forever. We clicked, just like we did when we first met all those years ago when we were teenagers and working together in a grocery store. I wanted to see where things were going to go with us and he kept saying the same thing so I knew he was kind of feeling it too.

We were texting all day on Christmas and making plans for when we were going to see one another next. We planned for the Tuesday after the holiday and I was so excited. Tuesday rolled around and he texted me late in the day saying that work was sucking and he was completely overwhelmed with it and just needed to be at home by himself that night. Fine, I totally get it. I didn’t freak out about it I told him if he needed to talk to me about it I was there. I told him I really wanted to hang out on New Year’s Eve though (I mean what girl doesn’t want that kiss at midnight from the guy she really likes?). I laid it all out and told him I’d be extremely sad if I didn’t see him and he said he didn’t want that at all. So we rolled with it. He had his space and I was getting ready for the start of a new year with a new guy.

Throughout the week we started talking less and less which was weird for us but I played it up as work was sucking this week for him (and I knew he hadn’t been happy at work for awhile now). I texted him the Friday before NYE asking if we were hanging out the next day because I hadn’t heard from him, and the silence continued with that one. I texted him in the morning on NYE just saying I hoped work didn’t suck and that he had a good new year, which he FINALLY responded that he basically gave his 2 weeks notice and he wasn’t having it today. Then, again, I didn’t hear from him again. I was beyond hurt. All I wanted was to be with him ringing in the new year and there I was on my couch in my pajamas watching Gossip Girl. Midnight rolled around and instead of being happy and having the New Year’s kiss I was hoping for I was crying. I was drunk and texted him a long message asking what was going on with us (at this point I was convinced he was done with whatever we had going on and I thought I deserved to know). He never answered. We didn’t talk until Wednesday when I texted him asking if we were ever going to talk again and his response was that he needed to shut everyone out of his life at this point and he stopped talking to almost everyone.

I’m just a girl who wants to be happy and I thought I was really getting there with Pat. He made my heart skip a beat, he gave me the fuzzy feelings, he made me love myself which is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. He made me feel safe, he made me feel comfortable. It’s only been 2 days since he went from 60 to 0 and I just feel sad. I miss everything that we had and were starting to develop. I miss the way he made me feel. As much as I miss all of this though, I know that I’m a strong person and will come out on top. It’s the same as with Tyler, I don’t know what’s going to happen and if in the future we come back together maybe we’ll pick up right where we left off. For now I’m just sad and disappointed.

I’m not writing this all to make anyone feel bad for me. I use this blog as a journal and to get my feelings out and to document what’s going on in my life. I also like laying my issues out so that others who happen to come across this blog don’t feel like they’re alone in any issue they might be going through that can relate. We all need to remember the positives we have in life…our family, our friends, work, our health. Just remember, it’s okay to feel sad or upset but you are strong and will make it through!e